Caller: this is Windows…

You know those guys who call on the land line and insist that they’re calling from “Windows – and that your computer has a virus?” These days I have a script right by the phone and I just read it off.

Oh, the computer has a virus. Which one are you referring to?
My old Dell Laptop that I use for a media server by the TV?
My HP laptop that I need to replace soon?
My PC downstairs that I also use as a print server?
Or maybe it’s not a computer at all, maybe its my android phone?
Or my Nexus Tablet?
Or the iPad from work?

Oh, wait, maybe it’s not mine at all. Maybe it’s my wife’s HP laptop?
Or perhaps her iPad?
Or maybe her iPhone?

It could be one of the kids’ machines too.
Maybe my eldest son’s desktop PC?
Or his Lenovo laptop?
Or maybe his Android phone?
Or his 3DS?
Or his Sony Vita or his old PSP?
Or his PS4?

Or maybe the next-oldest son?
Maybe his desktop PC?
Or his old Dell laptop?
Or his new Lenovo Laptop?
Or his DS?
Or his Android phone?

Maybe even the youngest son.
Maybe his Desktop PC?
Or his HP laptop?
Or his Android tablet?
Or his Android phone?
Or his 3DS

Maybe even the daughter.
Perhaps it’s her Toshiba laptop?
Or her Android Tablet?
Or her Android Phone?

Maybe it’s none of those.
It could be the Xbox One,
Or the Xbox 360
Or the Wii?
Maybe even one of the old game boys?

Hell it could be one of the really old ones – the original Xbox or one of the Dreamcast Units. They haven’t been used in years but still might be left on ‘cause there’s a fine heat coming up from the basement?

“Is it warm out your way? Enough to freeze ya here—except for all the heat from the basement, what with all the  $%#& viruses I must have they’re all working overtime, eh, b’y?””

I’ve never NEVER gotten to the bottom of the list. Somewhere along the line after I ignore his repeated attempts to say, “the one closest to you,” he says a few bad words and hangs up.

Shagger. I don’t even get the last line; the one where I call HIM an arsehole and hang up.

I love it anyway.


About Maurice A. Barry

Coordinator: Teaching and Learning Commons, Faculty of Education, Memorial University of Newfoundland, Parent & Husband. eLearning consultant/coordinator. Program Development Specialist - eLearning (Department of Education; Retired). Writer: over 40 Math/Physics texts/webs. Developer & Manager of web content. Geek. Not into awards but loves comments.
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11 Responses to Caller: this is Windows…

  1. Yeah. I know those guys. I ask for a number to call back because I have a cake in the oven and a kid to get from band and the dog needs out right now… Never got a number. Ever. 😉

  2. Good for you. I wish I had such a thing at-the-ready for this sort of situation … and for a whole list of others, as well. Glad to see you in my reader this evening. D

  3. jennypellett says:

    Haha, I loved this, Maurice. I think I’ll print it off and give a copy to my mother – she’s always being bugged by these people. All I get is double glazing, solar panels or changing my mobile phone tariff. I’ll adapt your suggestions accordingly. Good to see you back blogging😊

  4. They called us too 🙂 You should record this as a song and play it to them next time!

  5. tw says:

    Oh, you get them too? They call here as well. We say “Oh right, you work for Microsoft then?” and they normally say “yeah.” So we say “wow, how strange because we work for Microsoft too…. what department are you in, who’s your boss, do you know….?” Soon sees them off!

    Glad to see you here Maurice, I hope you and your family are all doing well


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